I recently made peace with my adult child’s estrangement from me.
After hearing the false accusations, lies, delusions, blame, rumors, and heart shattering silence on too many mothers days, birthdays, christmases, I left. I left my hope. I took it out of my heart and discarded it. I know that I was being poisoned by each day that I hoped she would come back to me. So with a heavy heart, I left my grief of three years, knowing that I had already put it off too long. For the first few weeks, my body seemed to reject this. For three years I had thought about what ifs, waited for the phone to ring on special occasions, cried when something reminded me of her or my grandchildren, prayed for reconciliation. I didn't know who I was without my daughter and grandchildren. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers I could not help feeling utterly alone. Even though I have other children who are in my life, it felt like I had a broken set.
But it was this sense of aloneness that set me free.
Somewhere along the way, I let go. I released all of the optimism, that she would come back to me, and the pessimism that she would not.
The shards of her buried deep in my brain. I stopped wondering if the things she had made me think about myself were true.
I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly beautiful life is. I meditated, drank too much coffee, went to therapy, laughed, and found joy again.
My children who have stayed by my side were reborn in my eyes, a new, smaller set, richer, more precious, cherished, admired deeply. Once I discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace. Each day I am closer to it than I was yesterday. I am a work in progress but I am full to the brim with gratitude and joy.
And so, since I have opened a new chapter in my life, I want to peacefully part with the contents of the last chapter.
The end of my maternal bond with her was the catalyst for a wealth of positive changes in my life. It was a symbol, but most importantly, it was an act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I could choose to be. I am moving forward with strength and grace and deep, lasting peace. I am going to be who I was meant to be, and take those on the journey who were meant to take that adventure with me. I gave her life, and she has flown away, I no longer have to look to the sky to wonder what could have been because what is happening now has grounded me on an exciting path to my destiny. Until next time, on my way to a fabulous life. Sian Erith Thoomson
Maybe she will join me on my path someday, but I know now I can make the journey without her.