Embracing Loss

I recently made peace with my adult child¹s estrangement from me. After
hearing the false accusations, lies, delusions, blame, rumors, and heart
shattering silence on too many mothers days, birthdays, christmases, I left.

I left my hope.

I took it out of my heart and discarded it.

I know that I was being poisoned by each day that I hoped she would come
back to me. 

So with a heavy heart, I left my grief of three years, knowing that I had
already put it off too long.

For the first few weeks, my body seemed to reject this. For three years I
had thought about what if¹s, waited for the phone to ring on special
occasions, cried when something reminded me of her or my grandchildren,
prayed for reconciliation. I didn¹t know who I was without my daughter and
grandchildren. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers. I could
not help feeling utterly alone. Even though I have other children who are in
my life, it felt like I had a broken set. But it was this sense of aloneness
that set me free. Somewhere along the way, I let go. I released all of the
optimisim that she would come back to me and the pessimism that she
wouldn¹t. The shards of her buried deep in my brain.

I stopped wondering if the things she had made me think about myself were
true. I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly beautiful life is. I
meditated, drank too much coffee, talked to strangers, laughed, and found
joy again. My children who have stayed by my side were reborn in my eyes, a
new, smaller set, richer, more precious, cherished, admired deeply.

Once I discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could
hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace. Each day I am
closer to it than I was yesterday. I am a work in progress but I am full to
the brim with gratitude and joy. And so, since I have opened a new chapter
in my life, I want to peacefully part with the contents of the last chapter.
The end of my maternal bond with her was the catalyst for a wealth of
positive changes in my life. It was a symbol, most importantly, it was an
act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I
could choose to be. I am moving forward with strength and grace and deep,
lasting peace. I am going to be who I was meant to be, and take those on the
journey who were meant to take that adventure with me.

I gave her life, she has flown away, I no longer have to look to the sky to
wonder what could have been because I what is happening now has grounded me
on an exciting path to my destiny.


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