Reflections on a Wall of Silence

It is five years for me now since my daughter has spoken to me.

Yes she is always on my mind; where is she, what is she doing, another day of no contact, another day of not knowing.   However, I have stopped asking why, or what did I do wrong.  I no longer punish myself with unanswerable questions and circular thinking that leads nowhere.

The fact is that I know I did nothing knowingly wrong.   It is all on her…her interpretation of what she feels I did not do well enough. Since she does not even have the courage to face me in a face to face conversation and talk….it is on her for being a coward and hiding behind a “wall of silence.”

Yes I am hurt, rejection hurts.

Yes I am sad, I lost not only my daughter but my expectations of what my senior years would look like with her family around me.

Yes I suffered all the PTSD symptoms that go with living through a traumatic ordeal like this.

But, I have come to that place where I accept that it is what it is.   I can chose to live in the past or the wistful thinking of what might have been.  Or I can chose to create something new and meaningful for my present and future.   I choose the latter.  It is not easy.   But it is the only option for me.

Passive Aggressive adult children, like my daughter, who estrange, are upset about something.  I grant them that they do have the right to feel the way they do about whatever it is that they are upset about. I have no wish to deny them this right or their feelings.

However, they also have to accept that they do not have the right to deny me the right to my feelings and my thoughts and my reasons for my choices.

When choosing to remain silent about whatever it is that they are angry about, however, it is my opinion that they are just acting like cowards.

Talking, really sincerely talking and communicating about what that something is, seems to be too much of a challenge for them.  For some reason they can not express in a civilized conversation what it is that annoys them so much and has them feeling so angry.

Communication which could lead to resolution is beyond them.  So they remain forever in the past laying blame and expressing hatred, and they live with that emotion, they allow it to fester in their conscious and unconscious minds.  That grudge colours the way they look at things.  It colours their life choices.  It taints their psyche, and even though they are unaware of it, it is like a disease they carry in their deepest darkest thoughts.

Communication also requires listening!  Listening to that other point of view!  They fear the consequences of bringing their grievances out into the open because they fear hearing the other side of the story.   Therefore, they use the passive approach, rejection and silent treatment.   Like that can solves anything!?   They allow that silence to express all the anger they feel and it festers in them unchanging and unresolved.

The problem with this approach is that NOTHING changes and nothing gets resolved.

  • No issues are confronted and dealt with.
  • Childhood issues remain unresolved and are allowed to fester and influence what should be adult choices.
  • There is no closure for anyone involved.  Not for the parent, not for the now adult child and even the next generation, the grandchildren, are left dangling with unresolved past issues clouding the scene.

Start facing the reality that parents are not some “perfect creature” with divine insight into how to be the perfect parent in every situation.  Parents do the best they can at the moment when they have a choice that needs to be made.  Sure, in hindsight maybe, the choice was not the best one…but you can’t roll back the clock and change your mind.  You accept you made a mistake, you apologize and you move on hoping that the next time a difficult decision needs to be made you have the resources to do better.

Parents do not step into parenting thinking that they will willfully hurt their children.  Parents do not set out to harm their children in any way.   And if you really believe that is possible look into the eyes of your own child and say “I am going to knowingly and willfully harm you in every way I can”    Was it possible…could you think or say that to your child? Could you imagine following through on such a thought?   So if you could not do it why do you try to accuse your parents of doing so?

Life happens, things happen, choices have to be made based on the events and the knowledge at that moment.  You can’t parent with the hindsight of future knowledge.  No parenting crystal ball has yet been invented.

So if your feelings were hurt because of something a parent said or did in a moment of life induced stress, come to accept that “this is life”.   Express your feelings about that incident and the be prepared to listen to what the parent was going through at the time that led to that choice.

Listen to the regret and accept that expression of regret for what it is, remorse that we made a mistake.  Every choice bears consequences.  Not all the consequences are the ones we would wish for.  But that is the nature of life and living life.

We live, we make mistakes, we learn.

Here is a new thought, instead of hiding behind a wall of silence, talk about what upset you.  Shine the light of day upon your grudges.   Ask to hear the other side of the story.  There ALWAYS is another side to the story.

You may be surprised at what you learn, about the agony that went into making that choice that left you feeling the way you do.  You may gain a whole new perspective and understanding of the humanity of your parents.

If you continue to hide behind your shield of silence and non communication, I can guarantee 100% for sure, that nothing will change.  You will continue to feel the anger and annoyance and that anger and annoyance will taint your life choices, and the consequences of your choices,  in ways that you can’t even yet imagine.  You will carry that burden with you and it will have an impact on your life and the lives of your own children. From a position of life experience I can tell you that is a certainty.

Life can be very different if you chose to come forward for some honest dialogue.

You may not hear what you want to hear, but you will hear a truth that you have not allowed yourself to see.  And you may learn that being an adult means accepting different points of view.  You may learn that being an adult requires give and take.  You may learn that it is okay to agree to disagree and still find a way to be a daughter again.

I have now moved on. I have forgiven her for the choices she has made. It has been the hardest work I have ever done. The relationships I cherish in my life have grown stronger, authentic. I am so grateful for my remaining children and new relationships I never would have had if she hadn’t left me. Left us.  In a way my daughter’s absence, while agony, was a gift. The hole in  my heart remains because you cannot fill it with someone else’s love, but I no longer feel the emptiness that resides there. I have learned so much about myself. For the first time in my life, instead of denying the pain or trying to stuff it down and “be strong”, I walked straight into it. When I need someone to hold me, I reach out to my children. And when no one is there, I embrace myself.

Sometimes falling apart is the only way to start over, so can rebuild yourself into a more beautiful and whole person.

Though it is likely our paths in this life will not cross again, my prayer each day is for the heart of my daughter to be filled to its depths with such profound healing.

with RenateMarrello

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My boy Jesse James

 

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His mum was pregnant with him when she was found wandering on the streets in Los Angeles as a stray with stab wounds on her torso and neck.

Miraculously, she was rescued, saved, fostered, and ended up coming out to my rescue in Canada, and mine became her forever home.

Jesse was the sole surviving puppy and of course I kept him too. Jesse was always a frail little guy, hence the “outlaw” name, to give him some confidence maybe, who knows.  It was kind of like calling a Great Dane “Tiny”, or a fat dog “Slim”. The name did make people laugh when they heard it.

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Jesse lived with us for 5 years, from birth onwards, and his mum Lucy and auntie ‘Baby Girl’ formed the trio of damaged-by-humans chihuahua dogs who lay up on my pillow at night, and shared a dog bed during the day when they were not outside sunning themselves, catching bugs, sitting in the window barking ferociously at the neighbour’s Rottie and other big dogs passing by.

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Baby Girl, Lucy, Jesse, the trio of trouble.

Jesse got cancer, the fast kind that hardly lets you catch your breath before its too late and has gone everywhere. It started with a limp and then invaded his tiny body until his heart gave out.

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Jesse and his mum, cuddling.

We made his last month the best one, unlimited treats, people food, ice cream, tummy rubs, finger tip massages. On the night he was dying, I bathed him in a warm bath to restore his dignity and make him fresh and sweet smelling for his journey across the bridge. As the warm water comforted him I told him all about Heaven, the Bridge, who would meet him there (two of my elderly rescues who had passed months before) and all the fun he would have basking in the sun, chasing bugs, the best bugs Heaven had to offer. I promised him that I would put some of his favourite home made biscuits with him for his journey. I told him not to be scared and to announce his name proudly when he felt a little nervous. I told him to look out for my mum who I lost when I was only 23, a true dog lover and someone who would be his “human” until I saw him again. I lay him with his mum Lucy where he was happiest, on half of my bed pillow, and she groomed him until he took his last breath. Little Jesse James, my gentle outlaw. You will be missed.

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There’s a Monster in my House.

This is “Monster”.

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She has earned her name.

I rescued her from a hoarding situation when she was 7 months old.  She is absolute proof that dogs have senses of humour.

She thinks it is hilarious to charge out the front door when someone is going in or out and “play” keep away…(she keeps away from you) in the middle of a busy road.

She caused me enormous embarrassment once when I was in such a panic that she was going to be hit that I ran to the fridge to get something to coax her back and all I could find was a whole roast chicken I was planning for supper.

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I believe it remains the talk of the town that some half dressed plumpish woman was seen throwing an entire chicken at a dog in the road. (She took it out to the middle of the road to eat it. Traffic stopped because drivers couldn’t laugh their asses off and drive at the same time.)

 

Speaking of food, Monster adores it. And she thinks anything on a plate belongs to her.

 

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Don’t look away for a second while eating your lovely beef wellington with garlic mashed potatoes and green beans or else you will be left to wonder if the gourmet meal was a figment of your imagination. ( I discovered, with my bare foot, a few hours later that beans and Monsters don’t go well together!)

 

Monster could have several editions of “Dog Shaming” books published in her honour.

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Did I mention she drives?? Well, not intentionally.

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Recently I was wondering why the love seat felt so lumpy. so I removed the cushion and discovered four doggy toys, ten bones, two cheese wrappers, three popsicle wrappers, a fork, a hammer, a cat food can, a piece of a photo frame, and old gum.

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Today she got into a brand new box of 60 band aids. I don’t know how she managed it, but she presented with about 25 of them all over her (which she just might need if she keeps this up!)

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Her idea of cuddling in bed is her bottom to my nose !!

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She is, without a doubt, the world’s BEST pug!!!

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My Girl Jess.

Oh, how I loved her. I will miss her forever.
She loved popsicles, caramels, soda pop, jujubes (but only the red ones) and salt and vinegar chips.
She hated having ‘pedicures’ and would ‘pretend bite’ me every time I tried to take care of her feet. (by “pretend” I mean she’s give me a warning that she had teeth and wasn’t afraid to use them….).
Her nickname was “Her Royal Highness” because she thought she was ‘all that’ and because she loved being in high places, whether that was the kitchen counter (which would usually coincide with me having baked something), my desktop (where any drink left there while I typed or read was claimed by her tongue in my glass!) and on the dining room table (reconnaissance ! ). Any attempt to remove her from these inappropriate spots resulted in her becoming a dead weight, looking at me as if to say “‘you talking to ME?” (CIRCA 1976 Taxi Driver) or at the very least, taking her sweet time in getting down…usually after finishing my ginger ale, tea, juice and dripping it off her beard unapologetically.
Yes, Jessica was the Queen of the House.
If she could have talked, it would have been with an upper crust British accent worthy of her lot in life. The only time she acted in a very un royal way was when she habitually snorted in my face each time she greeted me. Maybe she kept doing it because my sarcasm was lost on her when I said “thank you for that.”
I adopted Jessica as a puppy, one of the few dogs in my life who was not a rescue. I adopted her for my 40th birthday during a year that had been difficult, health wise, and I had gone through a difficult separation. When I arrived at the home of the litter of puppies, I was met at the door by the lady of the house, holding Jessica and telling me she was the last in the litter. she was gorgeous (Jessica, not the lady of the house). She explained that they had called her ‘Jackie’ as in Jacqueline Onassis due to the dark colouring around her eyes that made it look like she was wearing “celebrity” sunglasses. I had already decided on the name”Jessica” but on the way home decided to pay homage to her ‘family’ name and decided on the moniker Jessica Jackie ‘O’..it had a nice ring to it. Jessica’s “husband” was Nikko, who was three months older than her and who passed away last year. They had a litter of pups, SEVEN of them, and Jessica got milk fever which cost me an emergency fee at the vet at 6 in the morning after I woke up and saw she was having trouble walking. (Why do dogs always get sick after hours??) She was spayed as soon as her pups were weaned and following that surgery she was grumpy and menopausal and for about 6 months she had two moods, namaste and I’ll bite you. The vet said she could put her on some doggy anti depressants but Jess and I rode it out.
We both got fat in our old age, slept on our backs (although my legs were not in the air, ……..anymore), occasionally spooned, we both snored, slept in and enjoyed midnight snacks. Whatever our souls are made of, hers and mine were the same.
This last week has had me feeling overwhelmingly grateful and extremely, intensely bereaved. Jess was old, yes, at 17, (she had the heart and energy of a dog half her age. ) but she had not been sick, or injured, and the early hours of the morning she died we shared a cuddle on the bed, her insisting I continue to rub her tummy as we both drifted off with Kraft Caramels in our tummies. I cannot understand how a happy, healthy dog could just go back to sleep and not wake anymore.
Maybe it was meant to be this way. That’s how it is done in the animal kingdom. Sometimes they just know when it is time to die. She didn’t appear to suffer; she just went to sleep and never woke up.
She was one of a kind. There will never be another like her. I had something with her that can’t easily be explained – a connection, a soul mate, a friend, a teacher. I will never forget her . Jess was one of the most stubborn, loyal creatures I have ever met.
I think she was my best friend.

In the immortal words of Louis C.K., bringing home a puppy is a “countdown to sorrow.”

I hate the inevitable.

For all of you who stayed to the end, thank you. I feel better already.

 

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